How to Not Go Cuckoo Over Your Cook…

Photo by Caroline Attwood on Unsplash

Any cook should be able to run the country.

-Vladimir Lenin

Mine tries to run my kitchen. And unwittingly engenders a battle of wits with me every single day, one minute, every action at a time.

I adopted the triumphs followed by tragedies style of giving feedback on her culinary preparations. However, her attention shut me out post the triumphs. Period. So while the parathas got tastier, they continued to be seeped in grease. So I reversed the order. A reprimand for excess oil was sweetened with a praise for the paratha. Both were met with a weary look that kind of gave up on my persnickety personality but with not so much as a hint of an eye roll. I must learn the fine art of conveying scorn impassively from her, truly.

No win here. I finally had to confiscate the oil jars and ration out oil on a daily basis. Result, a permanently morose expression. No win totally!

Missing or exhausted ingredients generate a food armageddon-like expression fighting with secret joy that the mistress goofed up. (She once told me there are no onions. Looking at her dejected face, I almost thought I heard, “My relative is dying and there is no RH negative blood donor…”)

But if onions are replenished (without her reminding me), her whole bearing shrinks a bit. I suspect the not missing onions have aborted her diatribe on missing supplies and how the food will taste different for it.  It is also one chance less of lording over an oversight.

Cooking efficiently and nutritiously? Yes. Harboring any delusions of running the show? No, because Authority is unfailingly joined by her slimy sister, Liberty who thinks nothing about taking out-of-turn leaves, helping herself to kitchen supplies and the like.

Always give negative feedback at the right time and at judiciously spaced intervals. Too many in a row and you are crying wolf.  You will have only yourself to blame when one fine day you get served tea with salt and a nonchalant shrug.  And not to forget the sulks and the cold shoulder.

Occasionally wield the sacking baton. Job complacency can result in delusions to authority and bad behavior.

And never ever raise your voice, keep it low or else you will have to contend with the vocal power of a slum dwelling fishwife gone crazy. And all you can do is WALK AWAY!

And make it a point to interject a very severe admonishing once in a while. I mean very, very severe. The outcome will be extremely meek and obedient behavior until you forget and smile or say something nice.

That is another point. Do not smile and say nice things to the cook. Else, the meek will be replaced with the mighty and you’ll have to start the cook-handling process all over again.

I have only so many tricks up my sleeve at the moment. But my cook is trusty enough to augment my arsenal by throwing newer and quirkier antics at me and of course never dropping the darned curtains on the drama.

Labels